i take it all back

Today was just perfect, I think. Except I know it's not real. I'm not living by fortune cookies anymore, I can't be the hidden treasure when there is nothing for me to feel hopeful of. Maybe I'm just crazy.. fucked up.. restless.. paranoid.. I should just relax, only time will tell, I suppose.

confusion is all I feel

The countless hours I've burned my lungs in the past view days doesn't even compare to the way my heart burned lastnight. The constant self-torture of knowing that it would happen again. That I would drop this all for exactly that. To have my heart burn, just to have it freeze over the next day. What is it about my mind that makes me trust over and over again in the hopes that one time, like a coin machine, that it will work. That something will align and we will be in agreeance. This is so surreal. We do live in different worlds. This is unfair. We are both troubled. This will work out though, I can feel it. You were right. You said I will always be there and you will always be there. I want to be what you need badly enough. I'm not giving up on this.

ups and downs

being hungry
my mouth hurting
almost getting killed by a carni
chain smoking blacks
hole in the wall restaurant
old friends
older friends
new friends
catching up with old friends
while riding shut down rides
dumb bitches and drama queens
good music
good food
long ride home
getting lost going home
calling nate and getting us home
busted out window
cold ride home
worst mixed emotions
ape man
karate kid
cops and semi truck
broken diet pepsi
swine flu
green van
dumb fights
thanks giving dinner
old inside jokes
lost morrissey shirt
found morrissey shirt
invite to summer mass par-tee
best. sleep. ever.
grilled cheese and pickles

reminder of mine & drew's haven on the staircase

It's Ours by Charles Bukowski

there is always that space there
just before they get to us
that space
that fine relaxer
the breather
while say
flopping on a bed
thinking of nothing
or say
pouring a glass of water from the
spigot
while entranced by
nothing

that
gentle pure
space

it's worth

centuries of
existence

say

just to scratch your neck
while looking out the window at
a bare branch

that space
there
before they get to us
ensures
that
when they do
they won't
get it all

ever.

day of random

just click picture to enlarge.

even in my worst pain

I couldn't stay away from pizza. I've managed in the past two days to get down three slices of papa johns'. It wasn't easy, lemme tell you.. but, there's just no way I couldn't not treat myself.





I MEAN LOOK AT ME.
i was sweaty.
miserable.
drugged.
bloody.
hurt.

Just couldn't keep me back though..