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I am alone but adored
By a hundred thousand more
Than I said when you were the last
And I have known love
Like a whore
From at least ten thousand more
Than I swore when you were the last
When you were the last high
You were awake
And I should've stayed
But wandered
I was only out for a day
Out for a day
It was Chicago for a moment and then
It was Paris and London for a few days
But I am alone but adored
By a hundred thousand more
Than I swore when you were the last
When you were the last high
When you were the last high
I was the first to have spoken
And I said just about
All of the things you shouldn't say
So maybe you loved me but now
Maybe you don't
And maybe you'll call me
Maybe you won't

ohhh calamity.

I realized that when I disgust myself I write. And drink. A combination of the two results in the jumble of words below and poem called "running with raindrops" the raindrops are metaphorically my tears. Just another reason that I wish I lived next to the ocean, so that my tears would seems smaller next to the ocean.


Yellow?
Ew, purple.
Coffee?
White Russian.
Vanilla?
Too plain. Banana.
Deoderant?
Chai girl.
Bath?
What am I 5? No, shower.
Padidle?
Hope, pudinkle.
Tacos?
Burritos.
Cleanilness?
I love filth.
Organization?
Not so much.
Kids?
Gag me, please.
Dinner?
Brinner.
Super man?
Captian planet.
Memories?
Thousands, babe.
Music?
Indie, jazz, the fast, the heavy.
Silence?
Chaos.
Oh calamity.


"Running with Raindrops"

Raindrops fall on my face
As the pounding of my feet
Rings through my ears

My timing is quick as I run
To a beat
My heart, it pounds
Making me feel weak
But I will keep

R
U
N
N
I
N
G

No matter what
The reason is "fun"
And starting off
Like a gun.

Practice makes perfect
We all know its true
But this needs
Nothing besides
A motivated mind
With a heart that is
True

Closure on you. On this. Renovation to my personality. To my minds eye.

You're not talking to me, are you?

I'll never forget how today smelt. I spent it all outside, like crushed nuts and spicy. The spicy came from Hannah. Bailey and I witnessed an old lady beating her husband with a plastic bat in the back yard. I think everything is made better for men. This is also from me and Hannah. She wants me to stop including her in everything. My face is demolished. I finally drank black coffee. If you don't wash your hair for three days it stops smelling bad and starts smelling good. I guess u've got some more healing to do. This Friday I added more character to myself. What should I pray for now? Bigger boobs.. Yes! Jill just drank Indian pain killer. Hannah has an ipod? We can all three fit on a moped. Its true. Serious zone, our mother is a nun. Who cusses. Is that kosher? Hannah is now Christine, but I don't feel like changing her name through out this blog. I'm going to smash my car into a hill. on purpose. Some accents are ugly, especially when you here them singing ugly songs. What do I want to breakfast? I fucking raise my hand for everything. Why? What if what if what if didn't exsist. The world would be a totally different place. That's it, I'm going to buy a sleeping mask. These people need me. I'm going to start communicating without words. Maybe even in the dark. This seems a lot easier. I'm also going to learn how to play with fire. Professionally. And travel the world. I'm over it. Maybe I'll be someday be lucky enough to get a disease.

Everyone is talking...

but I don't hear what they're saying anymore. They're just an echo of all that I'm leaving behind.Today it was like the world was staring. I couldn't break it. Though I tried, with so many extra words. Misunderstood. I could tell by the eyes.It's no matter. It could rain here, I won't know. I'm off to less clothes, more sun, a new life, and new relationships. Hoping to sink off into the ocean like a stone

I was 4 days behind, now I'm 4 days forward

This post is obligatory due to the fact that I have been known to speak ill of those (mikey) for their lack of effort in their blogspot(s). I would hate be be a letter downer like them.

I would just like to let it be known that right as I typed his name I received this text: "How are you, my china doll?" hahha. Mad lol's.

In this point of my life I'm still in the same dilemma. Same shit different day. It's not quite as bad now, because the initial scare is ceased and my family knows. So no worries until the 21st, right? Right. In truth the damage done can't be fixed, I tried to go back and seduce the boy working at the register in the buckle for the charges to be dropped. Can't happen. Yeah, this is a total lie well, the second part is true. Permafucked for life. How funny will this be if I can't vote on election day because I'm a felon? Or if I loose my lovely little office job. Don't want.

In other news, I am secretly excited about Friday. This Friday will be my secret Friday where I do all kinds of secret things secretly. I shall in otherwords disappear for the night, nowhere to be found. I will be somewhere, but that is a secret that only my secret someone knows about. Secretly. As intalented as I think I am, that was damn good wording for the amount of times I used secret. I might be going out on a limb here, but I'm going to say that this Friday night- saturday morning will be the breaking grounds for the route that I continue to travel in me life. Decisions decisions decisions. Life love life. secrets secrets secrets.

In other other news, I decided to go to beauty school. Got a scholarship from my school, and get to go to a banquet on thursday for it. Missing school makes me mad happy.

Many of us venture through life without many cares, without really knowing the pain of not being able to eat and having an anxiety attack everyday for almost a week. Yesterday I got my first ulcer ever. Life rules right now.. Not.

I've been tinkering around in my own brain at all the possible things that could happen to me. I've heard a multitude of different stories, and I still listen to every single one of them. Knowing fully well that there is only 2 people that know for certain what's going to happen to me. God and the prosecutor. I've been certain that I'm going to jail and not going to be able to walk in my graduation. I'm certain that all my friends are getting sick of hearing me complain and that everything that could possibly go wrong will. The weather is so perfect outside but, I can't enjoy it. I can't eat or sleep. I can't feel pretty when I dress up anymore. This entire post is going to sound completely irrational to you and more than rational to me. I can't prevent what's going to happen, and this cruel irony struck me at the perfect time in life to prove to me that there is such think as karma. I would love to be able to look back 5 years from now and laugh at how stupid I was, but I can just tell there will be no laughing only the "I learned a good lesson." seriously burned in my head. There aren't really any legitimate exuses that I will be able to use, I will just have to roll with the punches and face my awful music that I never want to listen to again.

Leann is so FTW

I was driving down the road today after work. As vulgar as this sounds, I saw a dead animal on the side of the street and started to think about how everyones life at some point gets fucked over/up/royally. I'm just happy that mine is happening sooner rather than later. I will get revenge on the queer who called the police on me, I will. I know revenge is never a good thing, but it is always undeniably sweet.

I mean, on one side there is me, a little rich, white girl, with a great life ahead of her. Good friends, the perfect boyfriend.

Then on the other side there is me, a soon-to-be convicted felon, self-destructive, bad girl for life. Seriously, something should feel wrong right now. Shouldn't it? I guess I'm just so numb from the past 2 days that all I can do is worry about what will unfurl in the next month to come. God help me.