damage control

The morning saw me with clear skies in my eyes today.

I woke up this morning and lit insense while I got ready. They were miniature so they went out perfectly in time. I made Hawaiian coffee this morning with macadamia nut cream, and I've decided I'm working at a starbucks while I go to school.

It. Was. Delicious.

A temporary leave of absence would be nice. I need something to hold my attention, something to make me forget about petty things I care about for the entirety of a day. dropping off all life's little obligations. The only things I would take with me are the necessities...breath, ambition, stamina, stoke. Something like biking, I think I'm speaking out of winter despair.

The closest I could get to crossing this line was a filtering of distractions, like figuring my taxes. Which still aren't finished. Or cutting up my old clothes and sewing them back together differently. That kinda jazz.

Lastnight though, I was having conflicts with my life and what it was to be with my parents. My life was viewed, reviewed, picked apart, and then laid to rest after I had a sudden panic attack. I never started getting those until my mom got remarried. Sign much? I am aware it is bad to assign blame and shove my grief in his direction, but I can't accept that fact yet. Simply because I don't believe I should. I can't talk to my mom about life choices anymore without being intreputed or being misinterpreted and being judged once again.

I get on kicks where I feel the need to do something I've never done before. They usually result in myself being left with three unfinished projects and tons on unread text messages. Tonight I feel one creeping on, and its name is oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. MOTIVATION. I think this shall be interesting.. Tah tah for now.