i take it all back

Today was just perfect, I think. Except I know it's not real. I'm not living by fortune cookies anymore, I can't be the hidden treasure when there is nothing for me to feel hopeful of. Maybe I'm just crazy.. fucked up.. restless.. paranoid.. I should just relax, only time will tell, I suppose.

confusion is all I feel

The countless hours I've burned my lungs in the past view days doesn't even compare to the way my heart burned lastnight. The constant self-torture of knowing that it would happen again. That I would drop this all for exactly that. To have my heart burn, just to have it freeze over the next day. What is it about my mind that makes me trust over and over again in the hopes that one time, like a coin machine, that it will work. That something will align and we will be in agreeance. This is so surreal. We do live in different worlds. This is unfair. We are both troubled. This will work out though, I can feel it. You were right. You said I will always be there and you will always be there. I want to be what you need badly enough. I'm not giving up on this.

ups and downs

being hungry
my mouth hurting
almost getting killed by a carni
chain smoking blacks
hole in the wall restaurant
old friends
older friends
new friends
catching up with old friends
while riding shut down rides
dumb bitches and drama queens
good music
good food
long ride home
getting lost going home
calling nate and getting us home
busted out window
cold ride home
worst mixed emotions
ape man
karate kid
cops and semi truck
broken diet pepsi
swine flu
green van
dumb fights
thanks giving dinner
old inside jokes
lost morrissey shirt
found morrissey shirt
invite to summer mass par-tee
best. sleep. ever.
grilled cheese and pickles

reminder of mine & drew's haven on the staircase

It's Ours by Charles Bukowski

there is always that space there
just before they get to us
that space
that fine relaxer
the breather
while say
flopping on a bed
thinking of nothing
or say
pouring a glass of water from the
spigot
while entranced by
nothing

that
gentle pure
space

it's worth

centuries of
existence

say

just to scratch your neck
while looking out the window at
a bare branch

that space
there
before they get to us
ensures
that
when they do
they won't
get it all

ever.

day of random

just click picture to enlarge.

even in my worst pain

I couldn't stay away from pizza. I've managed in the past two days to get down three slices of papa johns'. It wasn't easy, lemme tell you.. but, there's just no way I couldn't not treat myself.





I MEAN LOOK AT ME.
i was sweaty.
miserable.
drugged.
bloody.
hurt.

Just couldn't keep me back though..

i'm so close

I passed my final to graduate today with an A-. Should have been an A, but its whatever. I also basically closed tonight by myself, which in my book is a great accomplishment. I wish my brain didn't feel like jello though, I guess being this productive is worth it. I got my pre-trial diversion done yesterday and sent off my claim to the insurance company (my check will end up being about 1,500 beeyahhh.)

In other news the ceiling directly above my bed is liable to cave in at any given moment. With all the collective gathering of rain puddled over the past few weeks its only worsening and becoming quite a visible issue. Luckily for me I am prepared for the moment when my ceiling decides to puke all over my bed. My room is spotless now and smells of tulips. I'm getting the feeling that with my luck I will be at home in my misery (getting my wisdom teeth taken out thursday, buuhh) and it will crash down the day my parents go out of town (friday.) This is only a theory based of my lovely pattern of no luck as of late.

Sooo, wish me luck I suppose. I'm just looking forward to the day when this is all taken care of and all I have to look forward to is graduation, my big check coming in the mail, and my all expenses paid trip to nationals.