Wednesday, February 27, 2008

im your puppet, I'll learn to love it

Currently listening to:
Iron & wine- boy with a coin

In the intensity of the times i'm living I would like to tell you that I love you, but that would be wrong and out of line. Why when it comes down to it does mind rule over heart. Its an unwritten law that we live by, formally, the ways of the social norms. If I were to act out and break all the rules for you, there is still the chance that it wouldn't even make an impact on your emotions. Which is why I will secretly keep to myself.

I am over the past month, given the fact that it is in the past. For a lack of better words, I'm going to say that all the days i've been depressed in the past month will be made up in the next week. And the series of events coming up should be proper preperation for this summer. Cruel hand and mongos this Friday in evansville. March 7th Daniel tosh with Abby, Kyle, and Ferg. Then steel nation in downtown indy. I can't wait to see Patrick Woo! March 27th cruise to the Bahamas and universal studios in FL for a day. Then prom at the begining of April with Kyle as my date.

Exact change is the story of my life. Just saying

Tuesday, February 26, 2008


I look good today, I'm just going to say it. There was no possible way she could have not looked at me. I wanted her to look at me, in the bad way. I want her to hate me. Each curl on my head was perfect, the boots on my feet clicked in rhythm, my eyelashes batted slowly, and I know that all she wanted was to be anywhere else. There is so fear in me my dear, and you. Are. A waste.

This suicide file song has never been more legitament..

"The irony is that you totally suck! You can look down on me and I don't give a fuck! 'Cause I hate assholes who hide behind fashion. Who live life devoid of emotion or passion. All style and no substance, you're flesh without bone. Another footsoldier in an army of clones. So fuck your snide ways and your snotty asides I fucking hate you and all of your kind!"

On another note, This morning I realized that I am living a fake desire, it took an email and phone call to confirm this. I'm semi-glad that I am not a blunt person and speak slightly metaphorical on my blogspot. Otherwise there would be no suprise factor in my writing and you would all know my deets.

I wrote something today, which is also metaphorical. HENCE 1) I am not a he. 2) contradictory is my life, but not quite as dramatic. Even though, Kyle would beg to differ 3) it is broad enough that you wouldn't understand my life. And you don't. Great! I will leave you with this: I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma. I am a secret. I love to write;

"and the scorn of his laugh rein free, the clouds all alligned and he looked up as his face turned yellow. He let go of the balloons and ran back to her, of all the places to end up he realized he was generally happy with where he was. All he could smell was nectar and war, all he could feel was peace and pain. All he wanted to hear was "this is life, man." -me

Peace out, fellaz

Sunday, February 24, 2008

out and about, the extreme kind

This weekend was quite the adventure. Its been a while since I've had a weekend without the pressure of pitching in money for gas, trying to find something to tame boredom, felt bad about the distribution of my presence, or been stress about something that went wrong. This weekend was simply a brick that fell into place.

As to the recovery of my arm.. The status of it now is that half way down my forearm and entire ditch of my arm is purple and blue. Its disgusting looking, and looks like I was severely beaten.

This weekend my plan was to make a trip down to bloomington to hangout with Tim and Beth, but that didn't work out because I wasent able to drive considering the condition of my arm. Its slightly unbendable.

So lastnight paulina comes to get me from greenwood. The night recapped in a shell is as follows:

1) drive all the way back to carmel
2) picking up Levi, Terry, Alex, and Ben.
3) 3 consecutive parties back to back, with mostly lame people.
4) everyone else watching porn while Terry and I have intelligent conversation about world conspiracy and politics.
5) late night ihop, and free pancakes.
6) no sleep until 7am, and cuddling on a couch with Paulina. Wooo for 3 hours of sleep.
7) Helen Keller jokes with Levi and resurfacing how stupid my old jokes used to be.
8) going to paulina's modeling bullshit and feeling malnurished.

I'm pretty down with this weekend. Not down with the amount of time that I don't have to do anything.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Tell it to me Thursday: once again we say our collective goodbyes

I just donated blood. It ruled at first, cos I got the most awesome dude who pricked my finger. He likes crowbar and looked like a dude that should be fishing in FL with huge blonde curly hair. We were talking about how he has the same name as my dad and laughing about all the stupid shit we've done in our life Then I went to give blood and got a fucking hemotoma. For those of you who don't know what this is, it is where the needle stabs through your vein and you get a big clot of internal bleeding and your arm bruises and it hurts something awful. Fuck my life. Although, I did get the coolest lady named Deb who drew my blood and Kyle came from the journal to take pictures of me like a dorkus. I now feel semi woozey.. Mehh

While I was sitting there giving blood my mind started to wander like it usually does, and I started thinking about what type of car I would be if I were infact a car, and what type of dog I would be if I were a dog. I decided upon being an all black 07 volkswagon jetta with leather interior. I thought it was a nice fit. as for puppy I proposed a lakeshire terrier to myself and totally loled, and decided that it will be the dog I get when I move out. Granted that I asked myself these questions 1) to myself 2) while I was getting blood drawn 3) on an empty stomach might effect the answers and make them illegitimate. Plus I am bias and would choose things that I find attactive. For all I know I could be a 1988 Chevy pickup truck and mastiff pitbull mix.. Its a dog eat dog world.

I love it that now one of my "special occasion treats" has now become habit. I have a little bag of lindt truffles in a lovely assortment sitting on my night stand, and I used to take one and eat it while I walked around in the cold. Now, I just eat them when I'm laying in bed on the phone or doing homework. Let's just say I'm going to have my current goal be "to my health" but, don't quote me on that.

I also realized that no one in my immediate social circle is that same, we're all different. Extrememly different for that matter, and it doesn't seem to ever matter when we're together. For this I am compelled to find out what actually draws us all together as such great friends.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

afternoon tea and toast

I could complain for paragraphs about my week, but what's the use? I will just simply say that once March arrives I will be quite pleased.

I never ramble much when I write but, I'm having one of 'those days'. Ceremonal things make me sick. Conventional things make me even more sick. vital things in my life don't seem to matter as much anymore as the things that will vanish in the matter of weeks. Again. My favourite thing is officially intangible. passion isn't something that my body can feel anymore, not to be overly critical of my feelings on life, but the way I see it is artistry in the fashion of being cynical is my area of expertise. tradition comes on a daily basis for me, I no longer have a 'day to day routine' I only have traditions. psychoanalist, Simple as that. What to do with my life, although phsyciatry would be considerable. Expression, personality, inspiration. I have had each one of these this year. Horray. I officially have reached the groomed/ polished appearance that I've been searching for. 4 years. My signature scent now consists of juicy couture perfume, pumpkin spice bedroom spray and pomegrante body wash. Angel status. My five senses aren't five senses anymore.. But four. Goodbye perfect vision. I now communicate with confidence, my alibi: speech in world lit on greek tragedy. The whole class clapped for just me and no one else. Perfect score. I'm detoxing, not that I need to. I just was watching the rain today and it struck the urge. I can't classify myself, there wouldn't really be a purpose though. Why can't I vanish for 3 weeks? I will be a manager soon. Phenominal.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

sing me a song. something sad, something slow..

I spoke to soon, I always jinx myself in a manner of speaking.. Last week was nothing compared to this weekend. This week takes the cake, or in the words of jack black it takes the "whole bakery".

Yesterday, was at the least I'll say awful. I got my blackberry taken away (by one of my favorite teachers none-the-less) I'm sure she just didn't realize it was me from the back and then after she had already made it public, couldn't go back in front of everyone. Then I got into work late, this not being a problem because they don't care.. Except our company has been recently bought out by two middle aged business men and they gave me a lecture on why being on time was so important, and I told them simply I don't get out of class until 2:30. Obviously, they tuned me out and I got pissed by listening to myself talk for no reason. THEN, my mom trying to interfere with my plans, the only thing that would make my day better. She cancels. Whatever, no biggie.. It still slightly worked out.

Now time for today, its only 7:54 and I'm pretty sure that everything bad that could have happened from the time I woke up until now has happened. I woke up 20 minutes late, but normally I would just "sweatpants it", I didn't.. I was stupid and spent time getting all ritsy and shit. So I get outside and my car is covered in ice. I am frantically scraping the ice off my car, then I fall and eat shit,(mind you my driveway is sloped big time) so I slide down a little and barely got up. It sucked. Then I finally get in my car, and I get two streets down and my defroster isn't doing shit and freezing rain is falling all over my car. So I have to pull off in the pharmacy down the road from my house that I'm planning on applying at today (I probably jinxed this too! Wooo). Somehow I manage to almost make it to school and my car locks up. yes. brand new car. Locks up. Ironically its at another walgreens. What are the chances? Maybe I should apply there today like I was planbing. Because ultimately I'm taking this as a sign that I'm not going to get the job. Fuck meee

Well today, I'm giving a speech over Greek tragedy. I kind of don't know what to say. Let's see how much I can screw this up and look like an huge asshole.

1. Do you prefer beers or blunts? Umm I prefer v8 fusion juice

2. What were you doing at 8 this morning? talking to my friend about all the reasons steroids suck and why he shouldnt take them

3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Writing about all the tangible and intangible things I've lost in my life

4. What is something that happened to you in 1994? johny drove my bus to kindergarden. i wonder if hes dead..

5. What is the last thing you said aloud? I laughed out loud in response to Zach saying "I love your life! I wish I had one."

6. How many different things did you drink today? Focus vitamin water, Hawaiian coffee with white chocolate macadamia nut cream, and ginger ale

7. What color is your hairbrush? Black and purple.

8. What was the last thing you bought? A Brazilian swimsuit for my cruise! Wooo

9. What is your favorite color? All shades of purple and marroon

10. What color is your front door? white, the back is covered with posters

11. Where do you keep your change? I pretty much always use exact change, so I rarely ever have any.. But, if I do chances are its in in my change purse

12. How is the weather today? Cold and windy. Just like yesterday. Fuck my life.

13. What is the best ice cream flavor? Baskin robbins chocolate extremes forever! Mmm

14. When was the last time you saw a rainbow? The last one I remember was over the summer

15. What size shoe do you wear?size 5 in vans, and like 6.5 in regular shoes

16. Do you have a sister? I have 3 little sisters. That is all. What can I say? Life gave me shit.. Lolol

17. Are you very random? All the time. I also am told that I have "emotional osmosis"

18. Do you want to cut your hair?short? Nahh, my hair is pretty long. Like down to my armpits. Ha

19. Are you over the age of 25? Nope

20. Do you talk a lot? Hell yeah! But, I'm a better listener most of the time

21. Do you watch The O.C.? Nahh

23. Does your screen name have an "x" in it? Hahaha no. I'm not "one of those"

24. Do you know anyone named steve?yes. He died from getting stung in the heart by a sting ray.

25. Do you make up your own words? Quite often. I also make up hatorade flavors on a reg basis

26. Are you ticklish? Since birth. I hate it

27. Are you typically a jealous person? Never

28. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter "J": Jason Whitney! Blackberry buddies

29. Who's the 1st person on your received calls list? James K

30. What did the last text message you received say? "I'm about To cry. When the little black boy dies in this movie." -paulina

31. Do you chew on your straws? Not really, unless I finish my drink in record time before the other person and I'm waiting for them to finish

32. Do you have curly hair? Yeah, they're like big loose curls though

33. What is the next concert you're going to? Probably March 7th, but who knows

34. Who is the worst person in your life? Weeell 1) i'd rather not go there. Or 2) make it public

35. What is your favorite type of food? Thai food! Mmm.. Actually anything foreign and spicy

36. What is something you say a lot?"oh my god" to paulina, and "fuck my life" to everyone else

37. What is the last thing you ate? Ritz crackers with Ethan

38. Have you seen the movie "Donnie Darko"? I own the movie. I hear that I look like Maggie gyllenhaal from everyone and their mothers too.

39. Do you have work tomorrow?
Yes, but not valentines day. Sweeet

40. Is your best friend older than you? I have 2, one is older and one is younger.

41. Who was the last person to say they loved you? My dad on the phone just now.

42. What should you be doing? Scholarship apps

43. Do you wish you had a different name? Sometimes, but then I think about how no one has my name and I'm okay with it

44. Are you a heavy sleeper?
Only when I'm sleeping in my bed with my doggie

45. Have you ever gotten flowers? A few, most of them were delivered to my house and only ONCE has someone brought them to my door.

46. What is the best movie you've seen in the past two weeks? Fever pitch, and the fountain. I have the strangest taste in movies. I just realized this.

47. When was the last time you did the dishes, be honest...! Umm last week sometime? That's as honest as I can get for you

48. Are you currently happy? Yees =o)

50. If someone liked you right now, how would you want them to tell you? I guess it depends on who it was, but honestly right now I really wouldn't want to know..

51. When was the last time you saw your best friend? Sunday. What a day

52. What's your favorite thing that you own? Probably my blackberry or car. More or less. I can't choose right now

53. Do you regret your last relationship ending?not. At. All. !!!!

54. Do you want your current relationship to END? Weeell heath died so, this question isn't legitimate

55. Anything bothering you right now? Money, school, work. Cliché things like that

56. Where do you see yourself in five years? Still in college getting my Ph. D in phsycology with 2 dogs and living 14 hours away from indy

57. Two people you go to for advice? James and Erin

58. What are your plans for tomorrow? Apply for a new job, talk to my couselour, get ready for valentines day

59. One word to describe your life? Movie

60. Does everything happen for a reason? Of course, I am big on signs too. I read into them like a crazy person sometimes

61. Are all girls the same? Absolutely not.

62. Do you believe in love? Yes, definatly

63. Is dating a best friend a bad idea? I came close to this and decided against it thinking it would be a bad idea, but honestly.. I don't see why not?

Sunday, February 10, 2008

guys wear ugg boots?! fuck mee

Another great weekend!

I'm so tired, and the first sentence of this wasent entirely true. It just feels as so because I am currently in a salsa dance studio watching my bestfriend cat walk, because she has just recently blossomed into a runway model for Midwest fashion. I'm sitting here as a spectator, which I love to do. I love to watch things no matter how slow or fast they may be. I love sitting here viewing all these girls and boys and and imagine where they'll be in 7 years. Or judge their destinations. Its easy to see who is really here for modeling and who is here to please their parents, who really enjoys the attention and impressing the boys or really wants to model the clothing and make a career out of this.

It is the end of of lovely weekend(redundant dundancy), sitting here has given me the time to think and reminds me of the 7 years I was in ballet, jazz, tap, gymnastics, and dance. Then I became a cheerleader and it all went to shit. Fuck my life.

I got my new car lastnight, it smells like febreeze auto and came with a free bag of make-up? Its a 2000 sl1 and only has 21,000 miles on it. Technically, I believe that's called a steal. That's the feeling I got atleast. Haha. I drove it around lousiville for a while after picking it up and got a bits and pieces shake. But told the girl to make it into a malt.. It took her like a good 40 mintutes, so I got it free. It was nice. Things like that never happen to me. I was about due.

Right now I just want to go back to Paulina's and watch fever pitch. Oh, and teleport to the east coast. Plz & thx


Friday, February 8, 2008

the wave

I don't really have much to say, I'm just really trying to bury all the lame and negative posts for recent days. So I will start by saying that I want to move to australia at some point in my life. Want want want.

I feel so word nerdy on this blogspot, I've never had a internet diary/journal where I feel like I can speak my mind. Although this could also could be due to the fact that I give no fucks and will have no cares anymore. I'm not saying that I don't keep in mind that I have an audience reading this, but I'm not as self-contious as I would normally be when any suzy somebody or Andy anyone could easily read this thing.

It's been a long time since I've actually been compelled to write. I've felt obligated to, because that is what I "do" I write. Don't get me wrong, I totally love it. The difference between the two is a fine line that is constantly shifting. What I've actually said has been somewhat forced. An exercise. and today, I just feel like writing. Say beautiful things and share insights. I just simply have nothing to write about..

Except, I have since ventured off from my simple ship consumed by a wave to the whole idea of a side piece of the ocean. Since the ocean is quite plainly, my favorite thing. The ship will still be there in the wave, but I want under the ocean too..

Although I have lost interest in the piano, this is one thing that has become habit to me. And I hate it, because its such a beautiful thing ruined by my own mind.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

sink or swim?

a toast to all that is whack. Cheers and fuck this shit evermore.

Somesuch problems have arisen in the matter of hours. Not-so-classy cars, inreliably fathers, college and the like, lesslessless sleep due to nothing but a middle aged man living in my house named Tim. He doesn't deserve a title like stepfather.
This morning was not like lastnight or yesterday for that matter. Not even in the slightest, actually it should technically be an anti-yesterday. Lastnight was a mixture of entertwined bodies and sweatpants, yucky weather and romantic kisses. It was nice. Even before I left work my supervisors son cooked me this amazing thai soup. Rice noodles, these Korean spices and oil, and beef strips with onion. He was still on the clock so it was no problem for him. But, I reaped some killer benefits.

This morning I woke up to yucky weather and sirens blasting though my window, there wasent enough time for breakfast or coffee, and my dog had thrown up in my door way. I'm guessing this had something to do with her nerves and stormy weather not being a good combo.

As to the rest of my life: this weekend I'm planning on making the drive up to carmel to see paulz on saturday. She found this abandoned house and blackberry messaged me pictures of this place. I'm more than amped to go there saturday, the paranormal interests me on so many different levels and by the looks of this house 1) there is a reason it is rundown with no up keep and 2) I'm sure there is some kind of "behavior" there. Stokedstokedstoked

I'm a little worried though since there was currently a murder reported in carmel and apparently all the schools and town is on lockdown. I'm worried that the one time and place that we decide to go to this fella will be hiding and waiting.

So I started thinking about the illusion of safety. Safety isn't a thing, a tangible. It's a quality, a state, or an action (even though it's technically a noun). I am safe until harmed. The moment I am under immediate threat of harm, I am no longer safe. I no longer possess the quality of having safety. In all fairness to myself I was logical and decided if I were in his position I would kill me for discovering him. I mean he had killed a women, which is why he's in that position in the first place. Why wouldn't he murder paulina and I as well? Fuck it, I'm still bringing the stoke to this place.

I feel a tid bit spoiled tonight, but I'm totally embracing this feeling. I got a grand total of 3 new outfits and a t-shirt for the cruise in March. I can't wait to the sun beating on my face through the bay window as I wake up and to the seasick nights, endless buffets, and 24/7 baithing suit mania. Listing of le new items to the drobe below:

1) Ralph Lauren khaki shorts with button pockets and an orange Ralph Lauren short sleeve polo.
2) fossil dress, navy and paisley with a green hem at the bottom.
3) American apparel white, v-neck T-shirt. Shortsleeved.
4) urban outfitters train stripped purple shorts with flap down pockets and matching purple tank top.
5) American eagle bleach wash skirt that folds up at the bottom, with a lacy grey tanktop and white flowy spaghetti strap to layer.

Fuck ya alls.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

damage control

The morning saw me with clear skies in my eyes today.

I woke up this morning and lit insense while I got ready. They were miniature so they went out perfectly in time. I made Hawaiian coffee this morning with macadamia nut cream, and I've decided I'm working at a starbucks while I go to school.

It. Was. Delicious.

A temporary leave of absence would be nice. I need something to hold my attention, something to make me forget about petty things I care about for the entirety of a day. dropping off all life's little obligations. The only things I would take with me are the necessities...breath, ambition, stamina, stoke. Something like biking, I think I'm speaking out of winter despair.

The closest I could get to crossing this line was a filtering of distractions, like figuring my taxes. Which still aren't finished. Or cutting up my old clothes and sewing them back together differently. That kinda jazz.

Lastnight though, I was having conflicts with my life and what it was to be with my parents. My life was viewed, reviewed, picked apart, and then laid to rest after I had a sudden panic attack. I never started getting those until my mom got remarried. Sign much? I am aware it is bad to assign blame and shove my grief in his direction, but I can't accept that fact yet. Simply because I don't believe I should. I can't talk to my mom about life choices anymore without being intreputed or being misinterpreted and being judged once again.

I get on kicks where I feel the need to do something I've never done before. They usually result in myself being left with three unfinished projects and tons on unread text messages. Tonight I feel one creeping on, and its name is oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. MOTIVATION. I think this shall be interesting.. Tah tah for now.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

"big words like kudos and currently"

I'm going to skip all the time from my last post and just recap my weekend, because the week was generally boring and pretty much the ush.

Friday, February 1st

I went to visit Kyle for a while since he was sick, we had pizza and brownies.. He managed to choke them down and then I get a call from Paulina while we're watching southpark saying she's already at my house a good 30 minutes early, so I leave Kyle and go meet up with her.

We head down to bloomington getting there only a nice hour late. IU parties have never proven up to there standards until this one. Tim and Beth are now my new favorite couple and put on a nice party.

We got there and had to go to her sisters friends house first for some reason, but I didn't mind. I was just my usual bitch self. I walked in the room and it immediately hit me, I took a few magnets from the fridge because the had quotes from the office on them, and messed with the ipod and played music they probably hated. But, I mean I walked in and loled because the first thing I saw was a bunch of cowboys playing beer pong and a mom watching them.

Then we head to Tim smiley's and beth's party. First of all I had the best peach of my life right when I got there, I dripped it all over my cowboy boots. Then I did my rounds to meet everyone I didn't know, there was CAM- argyole sweater, PAUL- paulina's new beatfriend because they have the "same name", JOHN- the missing roommate from lastime, and DREW- the boy who likes my music taste and was at the last party I went to at IU.

Beth and I decided to go on a walk and stopped by village pantry to pick up drinks, I got 2 java monsters, and she got energy drinks for herself. We were on our way back and we say down so she could have a smoke, at this point we were deep in conversation and I remember thinking in my head "this is the best heart to heart I've ever had in my life." I didn't even care how hard the wind was hitting my face, or how numb my legs were.. I just kept talking and so did she.

When we got back we discovered that Paulina had taken like 11 more shots and was holding paul's hand walking around outside. i went back inside and started controling the ipod, this is where I got complimented on my music taste and became the DJ of the night. Lololol

The best song I played out of randomness was probably: fastball- the way. Big lol

Then the party started getting bigger and more people started showing up, and Paulina was acting ridic, she didn't think she was drunk at all but was like over the top, she kept doing crazy things and then tried to go out to her car, this was the highlight of my night. It took her 50 minutes to get out to her car and back with 3 people helping her. I was laughing the whole time.

Most of the people were gone by 3am and I took care of Paulina with john, she wasent making any sense and it was sorta funny, she would lay in bed and repeat statements like a broken record. I was in the room so long with both of them that I ended up spilling my life story to john, and then Tim came in so he got half of my life story. After that I went and crashed in bed with Beth.

Saturday, February 2nd

I woke up and Beth said I should just stay in IU with her. I went to check on paulina and scared her awake by saying that her mom was calling her, she got up and there was a huge wet spot on the bed where she was laying, I almost died laughing. There was blue throw up in her hair too. So she took a shower at Tim's while Beth and I went to her dorm to get paulz a change of clothes. When we got there her friend Chris came outside, and was still drunk from the night before and was telling us a s story about how he jumped on a moving train while he was drunk and the shimmyed between two carts. He was also talking to us about how his scholarship meeting was at 10am and it was 9:45. He was so hilarious.

I drove her car back to my house as she ate tacobell. She bought 2 soft tacos with only lettuce and tomato and I side of guacomole. Lolol, I set the cruise control on 69 the whole way home, more lols. Sawdust didn't leave the stereo most of the way home.

Then when I got home I got ready to go out with Kyle and his mom for the day. We went to see "there will be blood" at the imax, it was pretty crazy. I liked it but I'm not really sure why, I love Daniel day Lewis, and he did great acting in this movie. I wouldn't necessarly recommend it to anyone only because the cons overwhelm the pros. I'm still a fan though.

Then we went to pf changs, and I got sweet crispy chicken on these crunchy noodle things and Kyle got chang's spicy chicken, we shared. It was cute.

I went home and literally passed out. I don't even remember coming home now that I think about it.

Today, Sunday, Feb 3rd

Well today is our superbowl party, I am totally ready for 20+ people in my house, 300 wings, and Kristen possibly driving her red bull car to drop off free energy drinks at my party. I'm hoping that the pats win, like totally hoping. I will be extatic.

Person 1: Who do you think will win the Superbowl?
Person 2: What's that? Oh, those men running in between the commercials?

Currently listening to animal collective while laying in bed, I'm getting the most fucked up feeling from this so I'm going to stop. Sorry for any typos or random words, I'm half asleep right now.