meet, my love

after nearly 2 months

of neglect... I am happy, blogspot. I am happy.

on this new moon

A) I'm no longer a single mama sita, we made real life and clever documentation of this on a digital recorder projecting beauty of the entire night. Dressed in a silk dress and he in a suit.

B) Adventures commensed, including: an appropriate lunch of sushi for my stomach of el lobo and/or el oso, Afe Ricah where flowers were picked, le bridge to terabithia documentation (in doing so we cracked open a bottle of wine open and burnt our throats in celebration), bear hell (to see the blanket monster and other exquisate faces), and the hookah bar for some visiting time with my favorite sierrian and some double-apple trouble with my shoog

C) For the summer solstace and as well as mine and Blake's 48 hour celebration of being all-out exclusive we went swimming with a vodka bottle and some of his family. I, in turn, "broke my nose" while simutaniously swimming elegantly and carrying Blake around with water when my alpha female tendancies kicked in with the most beautiful human alive. Afterwards, my most recent book purchase had come in the mail and we scoped out "house of leaves" while laying in bed together.

D) Now I am laying here watching him sleep all pretty, while I am his bobber typing a novel. This happens on occassion. Quite often honestly. He was suppose to sing to me Friday night and I fell asleep on a full tummy of za and cinammon roll cake. So he sang to me anyways for 3 hours, as I slept.

Simplified, I am in love. Generously. Willingly. Inevidably.

////////////////////

The penetrating Scorpion is usually a very good match for the discriminating Virgin, whether the relationship is romantic, family, friend, or business related. Scorpio presents a deep and mysterious challenge for you to analyze, keeping your interest piqued. In turn, Scorpio respects your integrity and commitment, which inspires his or her loyalty. Because Virgo, the Virgin, is an Earth Sign and Scorpio, the Scorpion, is a Water Sign, when the two of you are in balance, you can create a very rich and healing environment. Pluto-ruled Scorpio is interested in regeneration and will share your enthusiasm for working toward greater mental and physical health. You also admire each other's minds. Virgo is logical, intellectual and analytical, while Scorpio is imaginative, visionary and perceptive. Scorpio is a natural detective and you have an eye for detail, making you an investigative team that is hard to beat. This can also be a very passionate relationship as Scorpio inspires sublime passion in you.

Building a family or business together will be second nature for you... when the two of you have shared goals, you can accomplish just about anything you desire. Your sensual Scorpio lover will entice you into ever bolder sexual adventures, but this is not to be feared because Scorpio is also possessive and fiercely loyal, which makes you feel loved and protected. This combination is generally compatible and usually works well. As long as both of you are making the effort to manifest your most positive individual potentials, you can be very successful in personal relationships and as a team.

i take it all back

Today was just perfect, I think. Except I know it's not real. I'm not living by fortune cookies anymore, I can't be the hidden treasure when there is nothing for me to feel hopeful of. Maybe I'm just crazy.. fucked up.. restless.. paranoid.. I should just relax, only time will tell, I suppose.

confusion is all I feel

The countless hours I've burned my lungs in the past view days doesn't even compare to the way my heart burned lastnight. The constant self-torture of knowing that it would happen again. That I would drop this all for exactly that. To have my heart burn, just to have it freeze over the next day. What is it about my mind that makes me trust over and over again in the hopes that one time, like a coin machine, that it will work. That something will align and we will be in agreeance. This is so surreal. We do live in different worlds. This is unfair. We are both troubled. This will work out though, I can feel it. You were right. You said I will always be there and you will always be there. I want to be what you need badly enough. I'm not giving up on this.

ups and downs

being hungry
my mouth hurting
almost getting killed by a carni
chain smoking blacks
hole in the wall restaurant
old friends
older friends
new friends
catching up with old friends
while riding shut down rides
dumb bitches and drama queens
good music
good food
long ride home
getting lost going home
calling nate and getting us home
busted out window
cold ride home
worst mixed emotions
ape man
karate kid
cops and semi truck
broken diet pepsi
swine flu
green van
dumb fights
thanks giving dinner
old inside jokes
lost morrissey shirt
found morrissey shirt
invite to summer mass par-tee
best. sleep. ever.
grilled cheese and pickles

reminder of mine & drew's haven on the staircase

It's Ours by Charles Bukowski

there is always that space there
just before they get to us
that space
that fine relaxer
the breather
while say
flopping on a bed
thinking of nothing
or say
pouring a glass of water from the
spigot
while entranced by
nothing

that
gentle pure
space

it's worth

centuries of
existence

say

just to scratch your neck
while looking out the window at
a bare branch

that space
there
before they get to us
ensures
that
when they do
they won't
get it all

ever.

day of random

just click picture to enlarge.

even in my worst pain

I couldn't stay away from pizza. I've managed in the past two days to get down three slices of papa johns'. It wasn't easy, lemme tell you.. but, there's just no way I couldn't not treat myself.





I MEAN LOOK AT ME.
i was sweaty.
miserable.
drugged.
bloody.
hurt.

Just couldn't keep me back though..

i'm so close

I passed my final to graduate today with an A-. Should have been an A, but its whatever. I also basically closed tonight by myself, which in my book is a great accomplishment. I wish my brain didn't feel like jello though, I guess being this productive is worth it. I got my pre-trial diversion done yesterday and sent off my claim to the insurance company (my check will end up being about 1,500 beeyahhh.)

In other news the ceiling directly above my bed is liable to cave in at any given moment. With all the collective gathering of rain puddled over the past few weeks its only worsening and becoming quite a visible issue. Luckily for me I am prepared for the moment when my ceiling decides to puke all over my bed. My room is spotless now and smells of tulips. I'm getting the feeling that with my luck I will be at home in my misery (getting my wisdom teeth taken out thursday, buuhh) and it will crash down the day my parents go out of town (friday.) This is only a theory based of my lovely pattern of no luck as of late.

Sooo, wish me luck I suppose. I'm just looking forward to the day when this is all taken care of and all I have to look forward to is graduation, my big check coming in the mail, and my all expenses paid trip to nationals.

hookah heaven

when things happen like they did last night are the reasons that i believe in fate. Zach, Kaleigh, Drew, and myself decided to go to this hookah bar that just opened up in castleton called cafe du memo. So we show up at like midnight, mind you it's a sunday night and we were being pretty optimistic about this place being open. So zach goes up to the door and the owner lets us in, no problem (when they should have been closed, so this guy is already on my good side.) We all sit down and to our surprise there is a 20 dollar minimum and you have to own a neato little VIP pass that costs 25 bucks. None of us are down. I only have 6 dollars and Kaleigh has 9, the other 2 are just straight up broke. Well the owner lets us smoke without the pass and cuts the tab down, I was in awe of this guys badassness. The he brings the hookah over and its like legalized marjuana, no foolies. Like I had the first three hits and my ass felt like jello. I immediately looked over at Drew and announced that I was leaving him for Hani (the owner of this nice place.) We all proceeded to get extremely relaxed and Hani came over to talk to us, I was all about this place and told him that I would totally be down to work there, except for the fact that I was in beauty school. He didnt seem to mind and completely blew my mind by saying that he would open up a salon for me to work at in Castleton. I would NOT MIND being the main stylist at a trendy new salon owned by and egyptian that could potentially be my bestfriend ever. Needless to say Zach snagged the job up fast and I did his hair to make him look posh on his first day (which was today.) I think in 70 days when I'm done with school though I'm going to try and see if I cant get a job at cafe du memo though. Its brand new, coffee shop from 6am-4pm and then a hookah bar/restaurant from 4pm-midnight. I'm in love.

On top of that I have strep throat along with everyone else that lives or frequently goes to bearhell. Fuck our lives.

queen of snacktown

meet

COURAGE WOLF #1

BOYFRIEND and BROTHER

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

deja vu woah

Hi guys, I'm at a park. With a person named chris. He's the reason I'm at this park. He sort of talked me into it. We are swinging and demonstrating the art of compliments and conversation. This is nice, being slightly enebriated and having the park to ourselves. Laughing, smoking, smiling, pushing, and many other verbs. Its been years since I've been to a park. I'm so confused. I realized how bad of an idea it was to swing with alchohol in my body. Just now, actually. The difference in the word trust and trustworthy is only a few letters. There is no becoming. I don't feel as if what I'm doing right now is a healthy way to escape a feeling, but I'm doing it anyways. Why so much? Simply because I said so.

some kind of closure

You were sort of boring, but I dug it. You were pretty normal, but I was into it. I never liked your hair, but somehow I was satisfied. I'm not sorry that I'm smiling, because I don't know if it's real. Even being an hour and a half early I was somehow behind and was hit by a bus driving without head lights.

Looks like I'm back to rolling with it, starting now. Won't be looking for sweet talk, just time and souls empty of feeling. I'm sorry in advance for who I may hurt.

i don't remember this

i just

got a hot dog thrown at my face and I'm being forced to go to church tomorrow.

worst. day. ever.

edit:

church was to say the least, interesting. The whole time I was thinking the most fucked up stuff. Like when they were splashing holy water I was contemplating acting like it was burning my skin. I also had this whole vision of when the offering basket came around that I threw it across the room and screamed FUCK really loud. Then while I was zoning out and trying to figure out the mind of a christian I heard the priest say something about jesus being resurrected and I imagined the porcelain jesus hanging on the wall busting off and flying through the ceiling like superman. I still firmly believe that after all of this, adside from appearance and laughing I am less fucked up than most of the people there today.

the only thing

that I have now is my own instability.

I feel the voices and I see the bodies, I hear no words and sense no emotion. What the fuck is wrong with me? Everything is falling apart.

edit:
I've determined it's the full moon and a nasty combination of actually realizing that I am and will always be on my own. It does feel good to know you're mine though.

fire outside my window

you say the coldest place on earth is in your heart. why would you come back? just when my faith was fleeting. it wasn't like i didn't care or wonder what the fuck was on your abyss of a mind. this isn't fair because I'm never fair and they've never been fair. no more five hours condensed into fraction of seconds and balls of gas moving round to create shapes in my sky. to show a distinction in the sequence of events that contrast from my life in a dangerous degree. the inconsistency didn't worry me. it was like i already knew. i already saw her relayed message in my head.

i loved you since that moment, but we live in different worlds.

err..

I've been thinking about sex a lot today. I've also been thinking about pizza a lot today too. (I guess they're a lot alike always good no matter how many times you've eaten/done it.) Maybe its just my version of spring fever, even though I feel at home in this miserable weather. It fits my mood (being sick and robbed.) This post is much like my current state of mind, much like the playlist I'm listening to, much like the cigarette butts on the ground. All over the place.

I miss my family, I wish they would come back home already. I think I may accidentally fall asleep outside tonight. What a terrible idea.

cheated

Dear Karma,

Do I suck that bad? As you may know already sometime I think that life hates me. That there is really something special about me to pick on. Yesterday I got my window busted out of my car on the back drivers side. The bandits got away with my entire kit for school. Oh, but why stop there, right? They had to further ruin my life by taking my suitcase, which had all of my major possessions. Including: favorite clothes, hair products, jewelry, shoes, belts, etc. I mean I even had clothes in the bag that had the tags on them. Also the one thing that I never wanted to lose, a book of runes that was a gift from Blake and I only got to enjoy and love themfor a mere weekend. SO now I'm out my materials for school, clothes, and left with a shattered window and dignity.

Now my window is covered in duct tape and looks totally class. The only thing there is a constant crinkling in my ear anytime I get above 30 mph and is a constant reminder of how much I was to kill someone. I was just wondering if you could tone it down a little so that I don't have a panic attack?

Thanks for listening,
L

Just in case you need proof:

restless

It's the end to a wonderful weekend (redundant dundancy pt 2.) I'm not sure if this even counts since it's Monday, but my weekend started Thursday regardless. I came back to town today from a northern town where my heart resides only to find everything just as I'd left it. Sometimes this catches me off guard. When I'm gone for a long period of time for some reason I always feels like something should be messed up or out of place. I'm not sure why this is. I also like the collective scents of my perfume and air freshener being overwhelming when i open the door for the first time in days. Aside from that i wish i weren't home.

define illusion

What the fuck is time?

I asked to see your books

You asked for my heart.

scheduled outrage

And then the calmness of the rebuddle. I'm a mess. Were a mess. I am a true friend. I'm glad that just popped up. You're hopeless and I've got hope for you. You're my friend. I will take care of you. Were in this together, girl.

okay, i fucking admit it

I'm clumsy. not even that.
I'm a walking safety hazard.

i tried to play it off and trick people into thinking i wasn't as unsure of my body and where it should go as i am 19 and white. So the truth it unveiled. I was irrevocably birthed without the ability to be poised. I'm sorry for the mass confusion.

I'm sorry to Brian about his tooth.
and Hannah about her lip.
and my body for the bruises and scars.

how to measure time?

The thought of growing old scares the fuck out of me. Losing my facial characteristics. Being lonely. In a desolate home that smells of stale air. I don't want to be the old woman who is lost in time. With no sequence of events to look back on. No concept of the chronilogical order her life took place in.

Its scary stuff.

I've seen one too many fucked up minds create this happen through a lense. It makes me think that the idea of life and living has been evaluated from the stand point of sad and alone one too many times. But isn't it easier to just be sad rather than happy? And aren't we all inevidably alone in the end? The thought of never finding a true love is also a realistic fear of mine. Especially when I have so much love to give.

Its all just time.
Just time ticking away.

i can't leave here

Its the only place I know to go. To write in my solitude. To understand my own emotions.I've lied to myself for too long and now I don't even trust my own brain anymore. But you're in my head where you belong, you rarely leave. And I see you in my dreams. Please make sense of this place for me.

double-sided mirror

I'm so in love with the idea of there really being vampires. Or werewolves. Or mermaids. Wizards. Witches. Unicorns. Or anything mythical or magical. I feel like the earth is still so secluded. So hidden and secretive. What goes on in the dark? In the night. In the mountains and forests. African deserts and south american rainforests.

Who knows though. Maybe I'm so ready to pounce on the idea of it all being real that I've talked myself into being fucked up. Swayed. Or easily persuaded. I don't feel impressionable at all. Quite the opposite. Who else do I know like myself? No one. I feel something past it all. The inadequate life of us. Not religiously, just spiritually. Like earthly. All life contained. I think too much.

My favorite part about work is sucking the air out of whipped cream cans. My favorite part about school is getting tipped in 10 dollar bills and venti sized starbucks drinks. My favorite part about you is everything.

The latest buzz

i'm a drunk, insomniac, reclusive, head over heels girl.

damnit, why do I have such great friends?

No matter where life leads us or what hard troubles may happen. You are the reason I believe in love and all it has to offer. You helped put me back together this summer and got me on my feet again. Without you and you guidance I don't know where I would be.
We all go through tough spot and patches and it feels like we will never get out. I love you Leann and I know you will be awesome and do awesome things. You just need to believe it too.

Love always and forever...

your kato

douche of the week:

this is a real award at my work.

dance

love on you babe,
Wanna live in your brain.
swim in your seas,
your ocean it bleeds.
oh baby, wont you work it on out?

loving the sun,
gonna heal everyone.
oh baby.

I'll never be the man that need,
but I got what you want,
and I like what I see.
Goddamn, give give it all out?

Wanna tell you all about where I've been,
but there's a party in my brain,
and it wont end.
Goddamn, gimme mouth to mouth.

loving the sun,
gonna heal everyone.
oh, baby.

loving the the shade,
make love in the day.
oh, girl.

Don't wanna sleep all alone in my bed,
wanna be in your dreams,
and live in your head,
oh baby, wont you work it on out?

Let's make out.
Baby, let's get clean,
but a smell is a smell
and I smell it on me.
Goddamn, wont you work it on out?

loving the sun,
gonna heal everyone.
oh, baby.

Loving the shade,
make love in the day.
oh, girl.

Come on and take it, baby.

yeyee new hair, finally

award winning text

"I wish i could. Girl im literally watching videos online to learn how to get real good at tie dyeing."

(apparently blizzards impair your ability to be cool, sry Nick.)

Margot

beaker and I ended up showing up relatively late and had to deal with getting him a ticket (yes, we showed up and chanced it.) We went off of my luck, since he has not even an oz. My luck pulled through, and got his ticket for a scant $25.

So, skipping past the fact that the line was literally a 2 hour wait and us just going to my car to smoke cigarettes and listen to music. The show was perfect. This is not an exaggeration. Every band there did such a good job. A band called thunders played (I'd never seen them until friday) and they're actually from Indy. Well, they were wild. I think when I'm in chicago at the end of the month that I'm going to see them play a house show. As for margot's set.. I told Brian that the song I wanted to hear most of all was skeleton key. So it gets nearing the end of the set and guess what song they play last? Yes, just for me. Then they obviously do an encore and had the mosr random people come up, it was so fun. They were using suitcases, cones, anything you could think of as instruments.

well ladies and gentlemen

Its been nearly a month since my last post. Sorry to let you down, I've been caught up in the going ons of my life. Who has time to be me anyway, right?

Well lastnight I landed in broadripple with chad handing me martinis right and left. We left school and met Jason up at salon 6 to attend a hair workshop. I took a pink kiss for the road and happily left looking like a victorian princess. I was talking to some of the girls that work at the salon and they were planning on going to the same hair show in chicago I was planning to attend late march. I'm really excited for the hair show and even more excited about the number of times (and reasons for) I'll be in chicago in the next three months.

Speaking of hair shows, I recently won 2nd place for the hair competition to go to nationals in pennsylvania. I'll be sent as an allternate and will compete, if somehow (magically) Jeffery can't compete. I'm keeping my fingies crossed.

used up and drained

There was a train off in the distance
When I decided to stay
I'm not sure what I was thinking
Its never the same when you're away
Oh I hope you had your fun with her
You'll never stop paying for this
I told you I was fine and it was a lie
I was just too numb to feel anything
I can't find the words, I'm so sick
There's no way you could understand
I came this close to walking away
You only know how much you deserve that
Why can't I let go?
Why can't this just fall apart?

kind of neat

So I found a way to pass the time. I got a bass and an old shwinn to fix up.

I think I'm either going to teach myself or have nate's roomate teach me and have John help me fix up the bike. Its a piece of work, but when its donw it will look so beautiful.

This should keep me busy for a while.

i'm not a ladies man, i'm a landmine
filming my own fake death
under an '88 cavalier i go
but-but-but-but nothing but the rear bumper's blown
but i's born for this flight, united 955 on the fifth of july
back the s over y
i join the dark side
in a thin disguise
on consumer grade video at night
faking suicide for applause
in the food courts of malls
and cursing racing horses on tiered steps
playing the wall at singles bingo
all time gringo did anyone hear me cry there
through a toilet stall divider
i swear i care, raw

i am an example of a calculated birth
two a star chart for clowns, im not
under robin eggs in a nest, you hit a manila
envelope with one last little robin's egg in it

a hollow bullet yet spentsubject to dismissal
i wish all my pitfalls
could be called my miscalls

cherie-a cherie-e cherie-i cherie-o cherie-u

my home.

Josh and I went shopping at an antique mall a few days ago. It really makes me want to own my own house so that I can decorate it myself and fill it up with my own frames, curtains, and furniture.

omg

I'm in my bed for the first time this week. So warm.

lessons learned

I have a lot less "friends" than I thought, but more than enough to keep me happy.


Today I learned a very valueable lesson. Transitioning into being beauty school seniors is the time when we all start to get knit-picky and dramatic. If one person serves to be a negative energy source other girls just feed off of it. With that being said today we had our usual wednesday morning meeting and all the girls in the room said enough hurtful things about our instructor to make even the careless of people upset. Needless to say she came in the room crying. I tried to cheer her up and listened to what she was saying, did exactly as I was told, and just tried to make her happy. Other girls were just quite simply doing the opposite. It really made me see how many people act up for attention and how many people buy into that and start to follow it. It blows my mind how you really are never "out of highschool."

fire and ice

I'm not sure if its all the ice that's been throwing my equalibrium off or what, but I've been falling everywhere I go. I've never considered myself clumsy, ever. Even when I was a ballerina I was one of the more poised girls. My body is so bruised I look mildly abused. Hopefully I don't endarger my life by my new found handicap of no balance.

Today as I was driving to the dentist I found myself fishtailing and sliding all over the place. For some reason it didn't seem to bother me at all. Nor did it bother anyone else. I just couldn't believe how contained I was. I could feel the emotionlessness on my face and sort of wished I could hide my emotions the rest of the time that well.

On a darker note, my wisdom teeth are going to have to be taken out like asap. Apparently there effecting the rest of my teeth and causing me to shift. Not siked, buhh.

beauty school in a nut shell

life can't be much more perfect.

excerpt from my journal

Jan 9th newthousandnine

Its been a while since I've written. I've been seemingly busy with.. Life and stuff. I cleaned my life out. Got to know myself a little better. I wasent even planning on it, actually. It just kind of happened. I was just working the front desk at my school today and it hit me. I was so on top of everything and my brain felt momentarily organized. Maybe it was just being so productive that was the real reason I felt so great.

My room smells exactly how I feel and want to feel at the same time. Elegant and dark. Perfect and enchanting. I was watching Dexter today. Eating pretzels. And I realized one thing while doing this; that I always want to be with Kyle. All the time. Its getting to be a bit ridiculous. Even at the most unimportant times. When I'm drinking coffee, booze, tea. Watching TV. Listening to music. Its sad really, the way I've given myself in. A year ago I would have never said that about him.

Lastnight Marcie and I went to chilis with John, Nate, and Sadie. I miss Sadie all the time, but don't realize how much until I see her again. It was a nice meal. We then went back to have fondue. Chocolate. Bananas and strawberries. It was delicious. We then drank wine while we watched 27 dresses and ps I love you.

The reasons I love winter:

Reading. Hot drinks. Electric blankets. Pretty snow. No one ever walks around outside, so when I walk I feel all alone. I like that feeling.

oh, me

I feel drained of all emotion. Like its been talked out of me. I guess I'd rather feel numb than feel anything else right now, maybe I'm complaining for no reason and I should actually be feeling a lot worse right now. I've never been here before though. Past the point of no communication. Feeling like each word I say takes some kind of significant effort or force to tumble off my lips. I am more than thankful for the one person who knew that I would have given anything for someone to listen to me.. just.. talk. I still feel like even after the heart-spilling word bath I gave being on the level of being able to say how I felt actually felt more like a guessing game that I was playing. Or tricking myself. One of the two. I've never not known what words to say. Especially for how I feel.


Maybe I'm just torn and damaged and need to get over it.

a much awaited dessert

A truly perfect concoction in its most beautiful form. Untouched. I must say after waiting in three days of agony and craving these delectable little treats I just flat out went to town on these chocolate nachos. Thank you, Nathan.

new years eve and day

Bloomington was a good choice. yay for perfect parties and perfect new years kisses. I woke up the next morning to the room spinning and remembering that it was the greatest new years ever. Worst hangover ever. No big deal. I walked downstairs to people using towels as blankets and a stuffed winnie the pooh as a pillow. When I was fully awake everyone in the house decided to go to qdoba, which ended up being closed. In fact, everything in downtown bloomington was closed. We went to fazolis and Jeremy wore my socks that light up while he drove his car that has a ridiculous amount of peachy peach air fresheners. All I really wanted was chocolate nachos though. I passed out on the entire ride home while Kyle drove listening to A.A. Bondy.

I took what seemed to be like the shortest nap ever when I got home and drove to Brandon and Kristin's to help Noel watch Ev. I sware to god their house is haunted. It's whatever though it was nice seeing Kristin and Noel. I needed a relaxing night like that. We all just watched The Darjeeling Limited and hung out eating veggie fries. Kristin got me the cutest christmas present ever. Its a little boutique friendship candle with soy wax on printed glass. Was much needed.