Tuesday, December 30, 2008


1. to be careful who i trust.
2. to only live for myself, my friends, and my love.
3. to focus on things that i know will always make me happy.
4. to remember things are easier said than done.
5. to be a nicer person, and mean it.
6. to care about things that are important to me.
7. find out what i'm good at, and stick with it.
8. get a job that im exited about.
9. dont loose sight, just in general.
10. to get another one of my poems published.
11. to be a better cook.
12. to not be stengy, at all, not even with my feelings,
to tell people how i feel, when i feel that way.

Monday, December 29, 2008

my life in fast fwd

Lastnight I was laying with my hands over my ears and face in my pillow taking in long deep breaths and just thinking about how much I think in gray. How much my life is a blur and how often I have to change things around me to obtain the satisfaction of that continuing. Although there have been addictive things come into my life that I wouldn't ever give up or change. I wish I could think in black and white. Crisp and clean. Never elaborate my thoughts in my head. Bring myself to think like a lie detector test and never bring in the what ifs. That would make life so much simpler. No more brainteases and word nerdy thoughts.

Then I started to let my brain wonder and think of the future. Where I'll be a year from now. How much I'll have grown and how proud of my life I'll be. For once. Now I just have to focus on the sun and let that be my motivation until I get to that point.

following up

Since I have yet to make a post about the holidays, I figured its better tardy than never.

The holidays this year were actually somewhat festive and non-depressing. In comparison to last christmas this one seems a lot more warming and merry. My favorite gift(s) I got were a biodegradable leather flex spine diary with an owl burnt onto the front and a beats era poetry book. I got tons of presents still sitting in my room that I haven't even pulled out of the bags or boxes to put away. I feel like this christmas was so meaningful because this was the first year that I haven't been spoiled rotten and appreciate everything I received that much more.

Monday, December 22, 2008

there's been nothing to feel

But the reasons I love you today.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

more going ons.. goings on? goings ons?

Wednesday we had a field trip in class instead of having a regular day at beauty college we took it to the malls and went shopping at sephora and various salons in the mall. I got all of my Christmas shopping done and literally had about 7 full sized bags full of presents. I looked so ridiculous. Everyone in the mall just sort of stared at me as I walked out of the mall surprised that as little as I was I could carry everything that I bought. Afterwards, we all went to Olive Garden and got the private dining room. We then proceeded to create a dance made of of moves from hairstyling techniques. Ask me and I'll show you.

Thursday was an interesting day to say the least.. I was driving in to class and on my way out of my neighborhood there was a huge van that must have slid on the ice and smashed into the back of a parked white mini van. Which I was almost too busy looking at the mutilated mini van to see that the cop was laying on his back holding his head like he was about to have a concussion or something. Then out of nowhere 4 cop cars come to save this one cop who fell on the ice. It was pretty crazy. I'm pretty sure that 9 times out of 10 that we get ice in my neighborhood it will be salted. Ha.

Friday I decided to try and grasp a larger appreciation for things that I already have. So I drove to school with my windows down to appreciate the heat in my car. My friend Mike (a true edgeman) pulled up next to me not knowing what to think. He rolled his windows down and just laughed at me.. I found it strange that of all people to pull up next to me on the road, at the one stop light that I hit, it would be him because I wouldnt think it was strange what I was doing. Anyone else would. I hadn't eaten 24 hours prior to lunch either. It was an intense day.

Yesterday I woke up early and took Hannah and myself downtown to volunteer at the Julian Center. I wasn't really fully prepared and had no idea what I was to expect. It ended up being a huge eye opener and I've decided to go back on Monday and become a regular volunteer. Some of the things the kids asked for on their wishlists are just pitiful. They're basic essentials that I take for granted every single day and so next Tuesday at school we've decided to run a rally raising money and closing of the doors to clients and having a student service day for toys for tots and the Julian center. I am way beyond siked about this. Then I went to Maggianos at keystone at the crossing and stuffed my face with amazing italian food.

Last night we had our secret Santa gift exchange last night at Bucca's downtown. It was quite the sight. There were more than 40 of us there laughing and being annoying to the rest of the restaurant. Afterwards, I went to this wild party that had a lot of familar faces that I didnt expect to see there from highschool. Some of the costumes were out of this world. One dude that I didnt know had a present box around his package and was dressed as an elf, he was suppose to be a "dick-in-a-box." Another guy had a long tinsel christmas tree and then two huge blue ornaments underneath attached to the front of his pants with a tag that said:


i loled.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Excuse me?? Did I studder??

FUCK YOU. I'm out of here. You'll never see my face again. When you thought I was going to thank you so much someday and hug you for always being there for me, you're wrong. There is nothing I would rather do right now than get in your face and tell you to fuck off and get out of my life, but I'm more lady like than that. I'll just let you continue to judge me and keep to myself. Maybe one day you'll realize that even the one thing you have going for you is even more inadequate than the one person who is bound to leave you as soon as you're used goods.

Much hate,

Saturday, December 13, 2008


The past two weeks have been such a blur, anything but boring. I've just been staying busy. I guess you don't realize how fast time goes by when you've spent the past 6 months waiting for it to go faster. I'm already a third of the way done with school. Wild.

I went to visit kyle up at depauw last week after thanksgiving. It was nice. The drive was seemingly fun, even considering there was nothing but a decent speed limit and winding roads. I got to meet all of his friends and now I'm looking forward to going back again.

This past week I was in my first hair competition and won 2nd place. I was pretty siked when afterwards I got a day at the spa, instant gratification from instructors, and a line of girls asking me to give them the cut and colour. I just laughed.

Yesterday I went to see the nutcracker, it was brilliant. It felt really strange being in a room full of russians here in indy, but it was beautiful. It actually brought back memories of being in the nutcracker when I was younger. I totally thought I forgot all the musc, but strangely enough found myself humming along without even realizing it.