Monday, January 26, 2009

kind of neat

So I found a way to pass the time. I got a bass and an old shwinn to fix up.

I think I'm either going to teach myself or have nate's roomate teach me and have John help me fix up the bike. Its a piece of work, but when its donw it will look so beautiful.

This should keep me busy for a while.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

i'm not a ladies man, i'm a landmine
filming my own fake death
under an '88 cavalier i go
but-but-but-but nothing but the rear bumper's blown
but i's born for this flight, united 955 on the fifth of july
back the s over y
i join the dark side
in a thin disguise
on consumer grade video at night
faking suicide for applause
in the food courts of malls
and cursing racing horses on tiered steps
playing the wall at singles bingo
all time gringo did anyone hear me cry there
through a toilet stall divider
i swear i care, raw

i am an example of a calculated birth
two a star chart for clowns, im not
under robin eggs in a nest, you hit a manila
envelope with one last little robin's egg in it

a hollow bullet yet spentsubject to dismissal
i wish all my pitfalls
could be called my miscalls

cherie-a cherie-e cherie-i cherie-o cherie-u

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

my home.

Josh and I went shopping at an antique mall a few days ago. It really makes me want to own my own house so that I can decorate it myself and fill it up with my own frames, curtains, and furniture.

Saturday, January 17, 2009


I'm in my bed for the first time this week. So warm.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

lessons learned

I have a lot less "friends" than I thought, but more than enough to keep me happy.

Today I learned a very valueable lesson. Transitioning into being beauty school seniors is the time when we all start to get knit-picky and dramatic. If one person serves to be a negative energy source other girls just feed off of it. With that being said today we had our usual wednesday morning meeting and all the girls in the room said enough hurtful things about our instructor to make even the careless of people upset. Needless to say she came in the room crying. I tried to cheer her up and listened to what she was saying, did exactly as I was told, and just tried to make her happy. Other girls were just quite simply doing the opposite. It really made me see how many people act up for attention and how many people buy into that and start to follow it. It blows my mind how you really are never "out of highschool."

fire and ice

I'm not sure if its all the ice that's been throwing my equalibrium off or what, but I've been falling everywhere I go. I've never considered myself clumsy, ever. Even when I was a ballerina I was one of the more poised girls. My body is so bruised I look mildly abused. Hopefully I don't endarger my life by my new found handicap of no balance.

Today as I was driving to the dentist I found myself fishtailing and sliding all over the place. For some reason it didn't seem to bother me at all. Nor did it bother anyone else. I just couldn't believe how contained I was. I could feel the emotionlessness on my face and sort of wished I could hide my emotions the rest of the time that well.

On a darker note, my wisdom teeth are going to have to be taken out like asap. Apparently there effecting the rest of my teeth and causing me to shift. Not siked, buhh.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

beauty school in a nut shell

life can't be much more perfect.

excerpt from my journal

Jan 9th newthousandnine

Its been a while since I've written. I've been seemingly busy with.. Life and stuff. I cleaned my life out. Got to know myself a little better. I wasent even planning on it, actually. It just kind of happened. I was just working the front desk at my school today and it hit me. I was so on top of everything and my brain felt momentarily organized. Maybe it was just being so productive that was the real reason I felt so great.

My room smells exactly how I feel and want to feel at the same time. Elegant and dark. Perfect and enchanting. I was watching Dexter today. Eating pretzels. And I realized one thing while doing this; that I always want to be with Kyle. All the time. Its getting to be a bit ridiculous. Even at the most unimportant times. When I'm drinking coffee, booze, tea. Watching TV. Listening to music. Its sad really, the way I've given myself in. A year ago I would have never said that about him.

Lastnight Marcie and I went to chilis with John, Nate, and Sadie. I miss Sadie all the time, but don't realize how much until I see her again. It was a nice meal. We then went back to have fondue. Chocolate. Bananas and strawberries. It was delicious. We then drank wine while we watched 27 dresses and ps I love you.

The reasons I love winter:

Reading. Hot drinks. Electric blankets. Pretty snow. No one ever walks around outside, so when I walk I feel all alone. I like that feeling.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

oh, me

I feel drained of all emotion. Like its been talked out of me. I guess I'd rather feel numb than feel anything else right now, maybe I'm complaining for no reason and I should actually be feeling a lot worse right now. I've never been here before though. Past the point of no communication. Feeling like each word I say takes some kind of significant effort or force to tumble off my lips. I am more than thankful for the one person who knew that I would have given anything for someone to listen to me.. just.. talk. I still feel like even after the heart-spilling word bath I gave being on the level of being able to say how I felt actually felt more like a guessing game that I was playing. Or tricking myself. One of the two. I've never not known what words to say. Especially for how I feel.

Maybe I'm just torn and damaged and need to get over it.

Friday, January 2, 2009

a much awaited dessert

A truly perfect concoction in its most beautiful form. Untouched. I must say after waiting in three days of agony and craving these delectable little treats I just flat out went to town on these chocolate nachos. Thank you, Nathan.

new years eve and day

Bloomington was a good choice. yay for perfect parties and perfect new years kisses. I woke up the next morning to the room spinning and remembering that it was the greatest new years ever. Worst hangover ever. No big deal. I walked downstairs to people using towels as blankets and a stuffed winnie the pooh as a pillow. When I was fully awake everyone in the house decided to go to qdoba, which ended up being closed. In fact, everything in downtown bloomington was closed. We went to fazolis and Jeremy wore my socks that light up while he drove his car that has a ridiculous amount of peachy peach air fresheners. All I really wanted was chocolate nachos though. I passed out on the entire ride home while Kyle drove listening to A.A. Bondy.

I took what seemed to be like the shortest nap ever when I got home and drove to Brandon and Kristin's to help Noel watch Ev. I sware to god their house is haunted. It's whatever though it was nice seeing Kristin and Noel. I needed a relaxing night like that. We all just watched The Darjeeling Limited and hung out eating veggie fries. Kristin got me the cutest christmas present ever. Its a little boutique friendship candle with soy wax on printed glass. Was much needed.