i'm so close

I passed my final to graduate today with an A-. Should have been an A, but its whatever. I also basically closed tonight by myself, which in my book is a great accomplishment. I wish my brain didn't feel like jello though, I guess being this productive is worth it. I got my pre-trial diversion done yesterday and sent off my claim to the insurance company (my check will end up being about 1,500 beeyahhh.)

In other news the ceiling directly above my bed is liable to cave in at any given moment. With all the collective gathering of rain puddled over the past few weeks its only worsening and becoming quite a visible issue. Luckily for me I am prepared for the moment when my ceiling decides to puke all over my bed. My room is spotless now and smells of tulips. I'm getting the feeling that with my luck I will be at home in my misery (getting my wisdom teeth taken out thursday, buuhh) and it will crash down the day my parents go out of town (friday.) This is only a theory based of my lovely pattern of no luck as of late.

Sooo, wish me luck I suppose. I'm just looking forward to the day when this is all taken care of and all I have to look forward to is graduation, my big check coming in the mail, and my all expenses paid trip to nationals.

hookah heaven

when things happen like they did last night are the reasons that i believe in fate. Zach, Kaleigh, Drew, and myself decided to go to this hookah bar that just opened up in castleton called cafe du memo. So we show up at like midnight, mind you it's a sunday night and we were being pretty optimistic about this place being open. So zach goes up to the door and the owner lets us in, no problem (when they should have been closed, so this guy is already on my good side.) We all sit down and to our surprise there is a 20 dollar minimum and you have to own a neato little VIP pass that costs 25 bucks. None of us are down. I only have 6 dollars and Kaleigh has 9, the other 2 are just straight up broke. Well the owner lets us smoke without the pass and cuts the tab down, I was in awe of this guys badassness. The he brings the hookah over and its like legalized marjuana, no foolies. Like I had the first three hits and my ass felt like jello. I immediately looked over at Drew and announced that I was leaving him for Hani (the owner of this nice place.) We all proceeded to get extremely relaxed and Hani came over to talk to us, I was all about this place and told him that I would totally be down to work there, except for the fact that I was in beauty school. He didnt seem to mind and completely blew my mind by saying that he would open up a salon for me to work at in Castleton. I would NOT MIND being the main stylist at a trendy new salon owned by and egyptian that could potentially be my bestfriend ever. Needless to say Zach snagged the job up fast and I did his hair to make him look posh on his first day (which was today.) I think in 70 days when I'm done with school though I'm going to try and see if I cant get a job at cafe du memo though. Its brand new, coffee shop from 6am-4pm and then a hookah bar/restaurant from 4pm-midnight. I'm in love.

On top of that I have strep throat along with everyone else that lives or frequently goes to bearhell. Fuck our lives.

queen of snacktown

meet

COURAGE WOLF #1

BOYFRIEND and BROTHER

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

deja vu woah

Hi guys, I'm at a park. With a person named chris. He's the reason I'm at this park. He sort of talked me into it. We are swinging and demonstrating the art of compliments and conversation. This is nice, being slightly enebriated and having the park to ourselves. Laughing, smoking, smiling, pushing, and many other verbs. Its been years since I've been to a park. I'm so confused. I realized how bad of an idea it was to swing with alchohol in my body. Just now, actually. The difference in the word trust and trustworthy is only a few letters. There is no becoming. I don't feel as if what I'm doing right now is a healthy way to escape a feeling, but I'm doing it anyways. Why so much? Simply because I said so.

some kind of closure

You were sort of boring, but I dug it. You were pretty normal, but I was into it. I never liked your hair, but somehow I was satisfied. I'm not sorry that I'm smiling, because I don't know if it's real. Even being an hour and a half early I was somehow behind and was hit by a bus driving without head lights.

Looks like I'm back to rolling with it, starting now. Won't be looking for sweet talk, just time and souls empty of feeling. I'm sorry in advance for who I may hurt.

i don't remember this

i just

got a hot dog thrown at my face and I'm being forced to go to church tomorrow.

worst. day. ever.

edit:

church was to say the least, interesting. The whole time I was thinking the most fucked up stuff. Like when they were splashing holy water I was contemplating acting like it was burning my skin. I also had this whole vision of when the offering basket came around that I threw it across the room and screamed FUCK really loud. Then while I was zoning out and trying to figure out the mind of a christian I heard the priest say something about jesus being resurrected and I imagined the porcelain jesus hanging on the wall busting off and flying through the ceiling like superman. I still firmly believe that after all of this, adside from appearance and laughing I am less fucked up than most of the people there today.

the only thing

that I have now is my own instability.

I feel the voices and I see the bodies, I hear no words and sense no emotion. What the fuck is wrong with me? Everything is falling apart.

edit:
I've determined it's the full moon and a nasty combination of actually realizing that I am and will always be on my own. It does feel good to know you're mine though.

fire outside my window

you say the coldest place on earth is in your heart. why would you come back? just when my faith was fleeting. it wasn't like i didn't care or wonder what the fuck was on your abyss of a mind. this isn't fair because I'm never fair and they've never been fair. no more five hours condensed into fraction of seconds and balls of gas moving round to create shapes in my sky. to show a distinction in the sequence of events that contrast from my life in a dangerous degree. the inconsistency didn't worry me. it was like i already knew. i already saw her relayed message in my head.

i loved you since that moment, but we live in different worlds.

err..

I've been thinking about sex a lot today. I've also been thinking about pizza a lot today too. (I guess they're a lot alike always good no matter how many times you've eaten/done it.) Maybe its just my version of spring fever, even though I feel at home in this miserable weather. It fits my mood (being sick and robbed.) This post is much like my current state of mind, much like the playlist I'm listening to, much like the cigarette butts on the ground. All over the place.

I miss my family, I wish they would come back home already. I think I may accidentally fall asleep outside tonight. What a terrible idea.

cheated

Dear Karma,

Do I suck that bad? As you may know already sometime I think that life hates me. That there is really something special about me to pick on. Yesterday I got my window busted out of my car on the back drivers side. The bandits got away with my entire kit for school. Oh, but why stop there, right? They had to further ruin my life by taking my suitcase, which had all of my major possessions. Including: favorite clothes, hair products, jewelry, shoes, belts, etc. I mean I even had clothes in the bag that had the tags on them. Also the one thing that I never wanted to lose, a book of runes that was a gift from Blake and I only got to enjoy and love themfor a mere weekend. SO now I'm out my materials for school, clothes, and left with a shattered window and dignity.

Now my window is covered in duct tape and looks totally class. The only thing there is a constant crinkling in my ear anytime I get above 30 mph and is a constant reminder of how much I was to kill someone. I was just wondering if you could tone it down a little so that I don't have a panic attack?

Thanks for listening,
L

Just in case you need proof: