a smell like cigarettes creeps softly through the vents the room is filling up with smoke and little bodies,, tell all the boys and girls from school tokeep breaking all the rules to let their parents know they're individuals
datura flakes off from your lips you've lost the swagger in your hips your eyes are turning blue to gray. your skin feels soft and sagging down your arms drag across the ground with each step you take and they fall from the jungle gyms and they fall and piss away each night among the sound of bodies crawling round the room
i can smell their flesh on everything left in this room chalk and scattered crayons on empty desks for weeks finding clumps of unwashed hair caught between the vents blowing carry their little bodies to the cemetary so gently please don't let their necks crook towards the ground.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
when i was a young buck
I never knew the paths of life. I never knew the trails of everyday decisions. How hard things could peak. I would have never expected it to be so hard to pick out an outfit in the morning or to learn something that's out of my daily routine. What a car problem feels like and when wrong directions arise how much it fucks up your good day. How much it costed to feed myself and be a presentable individual. How insecure you can feel solo in a room full of different sized humans in with a rattily tat tating air conditioner.
I wish I knew what I know now when I was younger, I was always told this "wait until the day you realize."
I didn't realize when I actually realized. I can't quite peg the day like life started getting less fun and more do do do go go go. I day dream about being able to perfectly recall those days of my yesteryears. That will not happen though. Not until the end of my years. When I have all the time in the world to sit there alone and think about it. Now I just have time to sit for days and absorb sounds and emotions. Sometimes all sound and no emotions.
Sometimes my emotions run over like a fountain. I fountain that arose in my 20 years living, that I never had in my life's garden as a child. I was always nurtured to the best abilities of those protecting me from what I now know as the hollow. The trails and paths are all behind me and beside me. Now I go into the unknown, a hollow of some sort. A dark tree shaded road with strange creatures and noises I've never experienced. Atleast I have my bicycle to easy the journey of my tired bones and I have the company of good friends to take my eyes of the everlong journey that I forgot I was on.
I wish I knew what I know now when I was younger, I was always told this "wait until the day you realize."
I didn't realize when I actually realized. I can't quite peg the day like life started getting less fun and more do do do go go go. I day dream about being able to perfectly recall those days of my yesteryears. That will not happen though. Not until the end of my years. When I have all the time in the world to sit there alone and think about it. Now I just have time to sit for days and absorb sounds and emotions. Sometimes all sound and no emotions.
Sometimes my emotions run over like a fountain. I fountain that arose in my 20 years living, that I never had in my life's garden as a child. I was always nurtured to the best abilities of those protecting me from what I now know as the hollow. The trails and paths are all behind me and beside me. Now I go into the unknown, a hollow of some sort. A dark tree shaded road with strange creatures and noises I've never experienced. Atleast I have my bicycle to easy the journey of my tired bones and I have the company of good friends to take my eyes of the everlong journey that I forgot I was on.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
on this new moon
A) I'm no longer a single mama sita, we made real life and clever documentation of this on a digital recorder projecting beauty of the entire night. Dressed in a silk dress and he in a suit.
B) Adventures commensed, including: an appropriate lunch of sushi for my stomach of el lobo and/or el oso, Afe Ricah where flowers were picked, le bridge to terabithia documentation (in doing so we cracked open a bottle of wine open and burnt our throats in celebration), bear hell (to see the blanket monster and other exquisate faces), and the hookah bar for some visiting time with my favorite sierrian and some double-apple trouble with my shoog
C) For the summer solstace and as well as mine and Blake's 48 hour celebration of being all-out exclusive we went swimming with a vodka bottle and some of his family. I, in turn, "broke my nose" while simutaniously swimming elegantly and carrying Blake around with water when my alpha female tendancies kicked in with the most beautiful human alive. Afterwards, my most recent book purchase had come in the mail and we scoped out "house of leaves" while laying in bed together.
D) Now I am laying here watching him sleep all pretty, while I am his bobber typing a novel. This happens on occassion. Quite often honestly. He was suppose to sing to me Friday night and I fell asleep on a full tummy of za and cinammon roll cake. So he sang to me anyways for 3 hours, as I slept.
Simplified, I am in love. Generously. Willingly. Inevidably.
////////////////////
The penetrating Scorpion is usually a very good match for the discriminating Virgin, whether the relationship is romantic, family, friend, or business related. Scorpio presents a deep and mysterious challenge for you to analyze, keeping your interest piqued. In turn, Scorpio respects your integrity and commitment, which inspires his or her loyalty. Because Virgo, the Virgin, is an Earth Sign and Scorpio, the Scorpion, is a Water Sign, when the two of you are in balance, you can create a very rich and healing environment. Pluto-ruled Scorpio is interested in regeneration and will share your enthusiasm for working toward greater mental and physical health. You also admire each other's minds. Virgo is logical, intellectual and analytical, while Scorpio is imaginative, visionary and perceptive. Scorpio is a natural detective and you have an eye for detail, making you an investigative team that is hard to beat. This can also be a very passionate relationship as Scorpio inspires sublime passion in you.
Building a family or business together will be second nature for you... when the two of you have shared goals, you can accomplish just about anything you desire. Your sensual Scorpio lover will entice you into ever bolder sexual adventures, but this is not to be feared because Scorpio is also possessive and fiercely loyal, which makes you feel loved and protected. This combination is generally compatible and usually works well. As long as both of you are making the effort to manifest your most positive individual potentials, you can be very successful in personal relationships and as a team.
B) Adventures commensed, including: an appropriate lunch of sushi for my stomach of el lobo and/or el oso, Afe Ricah where flowers were picked, le bridge to terabithia documentation (in doing so we cracked open a bottle of wine open and burnt our throats in celebration), bear hell (to see the blanket monster and other exquisate faces), and the hookah bar for some visiting time with my favorite sierrian and some double-apple trouble with my shoog
C) For the summer solstace and as well as mine and Blake's 48 hour celebration of being all-out exclusive we went swimming with a vodka bottle and some of his family. I, in turn, "broke my nose" while simutaniously swimming elegantly and carrying Blake around with water when my alpha female tendancies kicked in with the most beautiful human alive. Afterwards, my most recent book purchase had come in the mail and we scoped out "house of leaves" while laying in bed together.
D) Now I am laying here watching him sleep all pretty, while I am his bobber typing a novel. This happens on occassion. Quite often honestly. He was suppose to sing to me Friday night and I fell asleep on a full tummy of za and cinammon roll cake. So he sang to me anyways for 3 hours, as I slept.
Simplified, I am in love. Generously. Willingly. Inevidably.
/
The penetrating Scorpion is usually a very good match for the discriminating Virgin, whether the relationship is romantic, family, friend, or business related. Scorpio presents a deep and mysterious challenge for you to analyze, keeping your interest piqued. In turn, Scorpio respects your integrity and commitment, which inspires his or her loyalty. Because Virgo, the Virgin, is an Earth Sign and Scorpio, the Scorpion, is a Water Sign, when the two of you are in balance, you can create a very rich and healing environment. Pluto-ruled Scorpio is interested in regeneration and will share your enthusiasm for working toward greater mental and physical health. You also admire each other's minds. Virgo is logical, intellectual and analytical, while Scorpio is imaginative, visionary and perceptive. Scorpio is a natural detective and you have an eye for detail, making you an investigative team that is hard to beat. This can also be a very passionate relationship as Scorpio inspires sublime passion in you.
Building a family or business together will be second nature for you... when the two of you have shared goals, you can accomplish just about anything you desire. Your sensual Scorpio lover will entice you into ever bolder sexual adventures, but this is not to be feared because Scorpio is also possessive and fiercely loyal, which makes you feel loved and protected. This combination is generally compatible and usually works well. As long as both of you are making the effort to manifest your most positive individual potentials, you can be very successful in personal relationships and as a team.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
i take it all back
Today was just perfect, I think. Except I know it's not real. I'm not living by fortune cookies anymore, I can't be the hidden treasure when there is nothing for me to feel hopeful of. Maybe I'm just crazy.. fucked up.. restless.. paranoid.. I should just relax, only time will tell, I suppose.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
confusion is all I feel
The countless hours I've burned my lungs in the past view days doesn't even compare to the way my heart burned lastnight. The constant self-torture of knowing that it would happen again. That I would drop this all for exactly that. To have my heart burn, just to have it freeze over the next day. What is it about my mind that makes me trust over and over again in the hopes that one time, like a coin machine, that it will work. That something will align and we will be in agreeance. This is so surreal. We do live in different worlds. This is unfair. We are both troubled. This will work out though, I can feel it. You were right. You said I will always be there and you will always be there. I want to be what you need badly enough. I'm not giving up on this.
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